Archive for the ‘Personal Musings’ Category
There is not much else to feel but gratitude at this time in my life.
I have felt anxiety, depression, helplessness, confusion, restlessness, anger, resentment and self-doubt many times in the last year. It was a process of growth, shedding layers and breaking through a hard shell of fear getting to this point. I lived with all of these negative feelings daily for a long time. I was not alone either. Working at a coffee shop full time with a bunch of other post-college lost-but-living-the-dream twenty-somethings was comforting. We all commiserated together about how we were “probably never going to use our useless ______ degree”, and how we “loved working here but couldn’t do it forever”. That feeling pervaded my consciousness daily and I finally decided that I had to do something. Finally things shifted and I got pushed out of that routine at the right time. I found another meaningless service job for two months, and it was there that I reconnected with the spark inside me, the driven student that wanted to be cultivated.
Now, I am so thankful. For getting fired and for being underpaid. For being in a place in my life where nothing was comfortable, although many in the same position tell themselves they are. For the universe shifting me into a place where everything became clear. It was like sitting in traffic behind a semi. Then the semi changed lanes and I saw miles of open road ahead.
Now, being out of the food service industry, I am still not comfortable. I am more in debt than I have been in my entire life. But I am thankful. Thankful and content. I am my own boss, and I am working my way out of a financial hole slowly, but doing something I love. And I am so thankful that I got myself here. With quite a bit of help, of course.
Becoming a personal trainer in Fort Collins is a challenge. Becoming a yoga teacher in Fort Collins is even more of a challenge. There are so many of us fighting for the same clients- the ones who have enough motivation to pick up the phone and call and say “I want to change my life”. There are not a lot of you out there – you must know that you are rare. We are blessed to have been picked by such courageous clients, and even more blessed to be able to see the transformation physically and emotionally. We are blessed to help along the healing process. You must see something in me that you trust, and I am thankful for you.
I am more than thankful to my amazing family and friends: my sangha (spiritual community), for being my support and keeping me on the path in the last year. You all are by my side at every step, giving me feedback, ideas for marketing and for content, advice for both business and personal issues, and inspiration for finding my true self. There are too many names to list, but know that without you I would be taking two steps back with every step forward, not vice versa. In Buddhism, the sangha is one of the three jewels the Buddha reminds us to hold dear- the Buddha within oneself, the Dharma path we travel on, and the Sangha community support system. They are all three absolutely vital to getting anything done in this world, physically, spiritually or otherwise. I have such an amazing Sangha. It’s big, too. Its not only spiritual companions like meditation buddies or fellow yogis – if I’ve ever met you, you are a part of my Sangha. And I thank you.
Love and so much light,
Apologies for no athlete of the week
Swamped in yoga teacher training and worrying about my 10k swim that happened this morning. More on that later.
All you need to know is that this training is seriously inspiring. A peaceful escape inside an intense physical and mental (and spiritual) challenge course.
We’re learning about the yoga sutras, yogic diet, yoga anatomy, earth medicine and energy work. We are having philosophical and personal discussions and making best friends within days of coming together. This experience will affect change in my life for years to come. Thank you to those relationships I’m putting on hold in order to be a part of this. Thank you to the universe for bringing me here at this specific time and place and with these amazing people. Thank you.
Love, light, and om,
Remember “The One that Got Away”?
Was it unrequited love?
Was it someone else’s crush, unrealized by you?
Was it young love? Puppy love? Was it an actual puppy you couldn’t take home?
Was it a dream or a fantasy you never got to play out?
A goal, a race, a yoga pose?
Tell me about it, stud.
I have more fantasies than the average human. I daydream constantly, and I mean like every 5 minutes I’m building up a scenario in my mind. About marrying that really nice produce clerk at the grocery store. About owning my own hot spring hotel in Japan one day. About becoming a doctor or hot air balloonist or a magician. Or even just a faster swimmer. Better cook. Better writer. Guitar goddess. Having 6-pack abs. Climbing Mount Everest. Bike-camping from Colorado to Panama.
I sometimes tell myself that the problem with having all these dreams is that I’ve chased a lot of different paths, tried a lot of different things but I’m still not really good at any of them. I’m simply mediocre at a whole lot of things. This is not a good feeling. “Mediocre” is not a happy word.
My recent journey, including break-ups, career changes and let-downs, has been that of serious self-confidence work. Becoming a personal trainer, you have to know what your client is going through to really break through when they say they can’t lose the weight, run the mile, lift the weight. Whatever goal they had that was the “One that Got Away’. I do know. I’ve been there. It sucks. But in a week or two, I promise, it won’t matter.
The way to the end of the yellow brick road is not only working hard at that one activity. Sure, running a long distances every day will help you finish a marathon. But it might not. There are always other things than training involved in success. There is a point for distance athletes called “The Wall”. You hit that wall, you ain’t finishing the race. At least quickly. You run out of fuel and your body says “Hello? Can’t you see there’s a wall here? I got nothing. You’re on your own.”
It’s the same thing with your mind. The wall gets another brick every time you say “I can’t”, “I’m not that good”, “I’m just mediocre”, “This’ll just be another thing I can’t do well”. You know the thing about excuses? They condone failure, and by doing so lead to certain failure. Once you hit the wall mentally, you’ve convinced yourself of your own mediocrity and there is very little chance of success. You’re probably always thinking about the “One that Got Away”, whether it got away a long time ago or you’re on the verge of letting it get away right now. Here are some ways to get back your soul and reach your goal. Have you said something like this?
“Wow, that run was hard today. I must be getting worse.”
Step 1: Stop everything. Tell yourself “That’s a damn lie!” Go all Pink Floyd on it and “Tear down the wall!” You just had a long run yesterday and you’re fatigued. You were gardening this morning and your quads are reminding you. You have two kids and you were playing with them in the park yesterday. These are simply some reasons that your run may have been harder today. However: these are NOT excuses not to run. These are what you remind yourself of when you’re sore from the extra hard workout.
These are what you reward yourself for.It doesn’t mean you’re getting worse. When you get worse, you probably haven’t been running. If you need help starting back up, that’s when you ask for help! I’d suggest you talk to a trainer, a life coach or your dad. I’m learning that asking for help is one of the most valuable things you can ever do for yourself.
Step 2: Celebrate your successes. If you made it through that swim practice you wanted to get through without drowning or if you touched your toes for the first time in months, celebration is the key to happiness. Happiness won’t come at the finish line of that race and it won’t come when the scale says that magic number you’ve been dreaming of. It just won’t. Not until you’re happy with the little successes along the way.
If you celebrate touching your toes now, putting your palms on the floor will seem like you’ve died and gone to heaven. But if you think “Sure, I can touch my toes but I still have 20 pounds to lose”, that magic number will get further and further away and it won’t be as fulfilling. You’ll already be thinking about the next goal, the one you still haven’t reached. Celebrate small successes will pre-empt that mental “wall” and make your whole journey easier, however long.
Celebrate with something wonderful, but not with a cake. Give your body the relaxation it craves. Do something or go somewhere that makes you feel happy and at peace.
Step 3: Pick a new goal. Find a new “One”. As in love, people are not meant always meant to stay together forever. Having a goal is great but if it is unattainable or if chasing it is making you frustrated and miserable, get someone to play the best friend role and say “Maybe its time to move on.” Maybe you weren’t meant to climb Mt. Everest. Maybe you should take up piloting and fly over it instead.
Follow your heart and lift yourself up to a place where you can succeed. The forces of the universe will tell you when you’re on the wrong path or chasing after someone or something that is not coming back to you. There will always be the “One that Got Away”. Your job is to accept that and find happiness on your current path.
You are SO much more than mediocre.
“Hello world!” … is a very appropriate title for my first post. This is the first day of the rest of my life, so to speak. I am finally getting out of the service industry and into life doing what I want to do: helping people feel good! I want to be a healer and an inspiring force, a motivator and a caring force. I got this certification in order to do all of this… I want to use my experiences in my own health journey to motivate others to push through the obstacles between themselves and their goals in order to have joy, satisfaction and a sense of success. I want my clients to have a friend on their journey, a friend who won’t be disappointed or judgmental or competitive with them. I will be the voice of reason when their conscience is saying they won’t succeed and the hand to high-five when they do something amazing at every session. If you would like to succeed, or just need a workout buddy, give me a call!